February 8, 2006
do i really need to say this?
Probably not, and I don't really want to make any kind of deal of it, but in the interests of gratuitous media whoring, I probably have some explaining to do, especially to the people who came along to hell and wondered what the fuck was going on... or maybe you knew anyway.
All that being a moot point, and with always having these undecided motives for keeping a blog in the first place, especially after a performance or project I have no idea what to write about, as anyone who's read this for a while will recognise from my post-Zürich/Guangzhou adventures, it's possibly a very stupid idea to write about myself. But then, in Zürich I did make that horrible piece of personal self-evisceration and high public humiliation called, "Everyone I Can Remember Sleeping With, and the Drugs I Was On", and the world loves art that is so embarrassingly personal, as Tracey Emin, who has built a career on herself can attest to.
So, really, Frances, what's going on? Most of my close friends have known for varying periods since about March last year, and it was all given a kick through a couple of highly questionable affairs I had in Guangzhou at that time, but some of you don't know, and having just deleted my emails from last year, I can't remember who the fuck I told (an advertisement in why Drugs Are Bad haha), and having prevaricated long enough, it's time to let the remainder of you know I'm having a sex-change. Again.
I love the 'again' bit. But you probably don't want me to go silent on you after that one-liner, so here is an enormously abridged version of that part of my life, in which all the usual tranny clichés apply - it's nice to be normal in at least one part of my life. The last time I changed from a girl to a boy, having spent most of the second half of my teens in a dress, my doctor at the time got very confused and had to ask, "So were you born a male or female?", to which I answered in the affirmative. Yes, so, some confusion over the last few years during which I heard, "I don't think of you as male or female, I just think of you as Frances," like a stuck record playing Cliff Richard singing "AM FM I feel so ecstatic..." over and over, and despite having made a very half-arsed attempt to be a boy while I was training as a dancer at VCA and in the couple of years immediately after, I always thought if I had to cease vacillating and pick a gender, it wouldn't be the one with the XX chromosomes. Or is that the XY? Crap, I need to Google that one. Anyway, the one with the bad fashion.
And that was one of the motivating reasons for getting on with it again. My friend Xiaojia said, "You know, everyone is confused about you, they don't know if you're a girl or a boy, and if you just dressed like a girl, everyone would treat you as that". How much do I love having Judith Butler "gender as performance" quoted at me by an artist in Guangzhou, especially one as cool as Xiaojia. Yes, so it was the fashion that did it in the end. The thought of another 10 years of such boring-arse fashion that guys have to wear, and not being able to exercise my true talent for gargantuan shopping armadas was awful to contemplate. So it was mostly that the fashion is better.
The divine Anna in Zürich picked up on it immediately and thought it was a very good thing, and she should know being probably weirder than I am. But perhaps I should be serious about all this, except there's nothing to be serious about; it's not really a big deal, I'm not agonising over it, it's been going on for most of a year, it just seems like a good idea and somehow has made my life more fun and entertaining, mostly I've just decided I don't want to remain ambiguous and that if I am I want it to be on the skirt-wearing side. I'm really lucky I'm surrounded by friends who think what I'm doing is fine and great, and I'm also in a profession where it's just not really an issue, or if anything it makes for better art.
This isn't really a 'coming out' post. Various people have known since early last year, and mostly I've told people because I wanted them to know, when it was pertinent. Now that I can't remember who I've told, and after performing in hell both here and Zürich, and Mercy 45 where it was pretty obvious (hysterical and semi-naked in a high heels and a dress that preferred to not stay on), it just seemed appropriate to make it widely known because I don't really want to have the same conversation over and over, and also it might make some of you who didn't say anything but really wanted to, open your mouths and make noises. Also as I'm mostly pretty vague, I'd like to be really obvious and clear about what I am. And maybe I'll write about it a bit more too...